on marriage, love and dating

I wrote this as a Slack thread to students at TKS the week before I got married.

I was thinking a lot about dating, love, marriage, and the kinds of relationships that make people more alive.

1. Most people overcomplicate dating. A heuristic to keep it simple is: you are the adventure.

   When you are living a life of joy and fulfillment that's on your terms, people are automatically attracted to that energy. Some people can choose to join you on the adventure for a day, week, month, years, or lifetime. At the end of the day, you're living a life of fun and adventure for yourself. People will join when they're ready. There's no one really to chase or impress.

2. If you ever notice yourself "chasing", for anything in life, pause and ask why. In the context of relationships, chasing is cancerous.

   You'll notice when you're in the right relationship, you never have to chase. There's a magnetic pull from both sides that naturally brings you together. And in that, exists effortlessness.

3. Speaking of effortless, if anyone tells you relationships are a lot of hard work, it's not true. A true relationship is meant to be effortless.

   Not saying it won't have challenges. I'm saying that even in those challenges, navigating it might involve pain, but it still feels effortless.

4. Relationships are your biggest spiritual teachers. When disagreements or triggers happen, folks in unhealthy relationships are likely to think of it as an attack and then things erupt.

   In successful relationships, there is always a return to: "What is it about me that allowed myself to get triggered in this situation?" versus pointing the finger at your partner.

   Now don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of disagreements with my partner where things may feel heated at first. But within 24 hours, we usually arrive at the personal responsibility we both need to take in the situation.

5. As a life principle, any time you feel your ego getting defensive or you get activated or triggered, train your brain to point that back to yourself.

   You likely got triggered because there's some part of you that feels it's true, or you're insecure about it yourself. Treat triggers as gifts that help you identify blind spots within yourself.

6. The person you pick to get married to is the #1 most important decision in your life. Remember, if you choose this path, if it's not a full body fuck yes, then it's a 100% no.

7. Don't rush to get into long-term relationships when you're young. My longest relationship was actually from when I was 17 till I was 23. Even in that relationship, we broke up and got back together 6 times. Although the relationship had chaos in it, I am deeply grateful for the lessons I learned from it.

   Fun fact, she and I are still really close. She's even coming to my wedding.

8. Dating a lot has given me a lot of perspective on the kind of women I really want to be with. By the way, this doesn't mean I was cycling through a lot of women.

   When I met someone I enjoyed being around, I continued to be around them. After a bit, if my gut felt like this was not going to be a very long-term relationship, I ended it there, but made sure I did it in a way that brought closure to both.

9. If the person you're with likes playing stupid games with little communication, ditch the relationship. Games are simply manifestations of the ego. There are no winners.

   If you have a crush or like someone, don't play the waiting game, just text them. If they ghost or stop talking to you, send them a "glad we shared the time we did" text and then let them go. Don't waste time chasing.

10. Your relationship can never be your first priority. Your purpose and mission need to be #1. If relationships are your first priority, there's nothing you're bringing back to the relationship to fuel it.

    Purpose and mission are what bring meaning back into your relationship. People are attracted to people that are on a mission or are excited about things beyond themselves. That's what life force is all about.

11. Most people have a fear that when they get into a relationship, it means freedom gets restricted. In the right relationship, it should be the opposite. The right relationship will expand your sense of freedom and possibility.

12. And lastly, your connection to your life force is directly proportional to the quality of relationship you attract in your life.

    Folks with high life force have a strong relationship with their body (working out, eating, etc.), people (friends and communities), and self (working on purpose, mission, and things beyond themselves). So if you want a relationship you love, first optimize for life force. The rest will take care of itself.